My Apology..

I'm Not Gonna Write About How Much I Love You.. I'm Gonna Write My Apology.. So Here It Goes.. I'm Sorry For Everything.. I'm Sorry We Let Stupid Little Things Get In The Way Of Our Once Strong And Unbreakable Friendship.. I'm Sorry We Drifted Apart.. I'm Sorry I Let You Down.. I'm Sorry You Feel Like You Have To Hide Things From Me Now.. I'm Sorry I Put You In Such A Hard Position.. I'm Sorry You Feel Like You Can't Talk To Me Anymore.. I'm Sorry I Don't Understand You As Much As I Used To.. I'm Sorry You Feel Like You Lost Your BestFriend.. I'm Sorry I Can't Do Anything To Help You.. I'm Sorry I Take My Anger And Frustrations Out On You.. I'm Sorry You Replaced Me.. I'm Sorry I'm So Selfish.. I'm Sorry I'm So Inconsiderate.. I'm Sorry.. But Most Importantly... IM SORRY I HAVENT BEEN THE FRIEND YOU DESERVE AND NEED.. Over The Past Years You've Done Nothing But Be The Rock I've Needed.. No Words In Any Language Could Say How Much I Love You And How Much I Appreciate Everything You've Done For Me. No Matter What Problems We've Had, We've Always Been Able To Fall Back On Each Other.. And I Want You To Know That Even Though Times Are Tough Right Now And You Feel As If Im Not There.. I Am.. I Will Continue To Be Here For You Until I Take My Last Breath. We Used To Always Talk About What's Gonna Happen After High School.. Well.. Here's My Promise.. AFTER WE CROSS THAT STAGE AND GO ON TO LIVE AND START OUR LIVES.. I WILL STILL BE HERE.. I Know Kids Always Promise Silly Little Things Like This. But I Mean It... Your The Only One I Know I Can Cry To No Matter What.. Things Are A Little Off Right Now.. And I Don't Know Why.. But When We Do Say Hi And You Give Me One Of Your Hugs.. I Know We Still Have That Unbreakable Bond.. And Every Time We Do Hug.. It Makes Me Want To Cry Because I Really Don't Know What Happened To Us.. Just Know IM STILL AROUND.. I Love You.. Your The Only One Who Knows Me Inside And Out.. And It's That Reason Right There Why I Can Never Repay You For What You've Done For Me.. And Once Again.. I'm Sorry For Everything And Every Little Bit Of Pain I've Ever Caused You..

The downer of my week.

I BOMBED MY CHEMISTRY TEST. IVE NEVER FELT SO STUPID IN MY LIFE!
I GOT THE TEST AND STARED AT IT FOR THE LONGEST TIME.
IT'S LIKE I DIDN'T REMEMBER ANYTHING!!
I KNOW THIS REALLY KILLED MY GRADE AND NOW IM SITTING HERE DISGUSTED WITH MYSELF.
UGH I FEEL SO.. NOT..
I DONT KNOW HOW I FEEL
IM JUST MAD AT MYSELF.
YOU KNOW SOMETIMES MS. CARTER IRRITATES THE $#!% OUT OF ME..
AND OTHER TIME WE GET ALONG GREAT.
AND IT JUST SO HAPPENS WE WEREN'T GETTING LONG FRIDAY.
AHHH .
FOURTH PERIOD FELT LIKE IT WAS NEVER GOING TO END.
30 MINS IN I WAS READY TO BLOW MY HEAD OFF.
UGHH .
IM GONNA STOP NOW BEFORE I KILL MY PERFECT WEEKEND.
>=[

<3 it's amazing.

This weekend was perfect! Saturday was pretty much the most busy day ever! I woke up at 7 in the morning when my boyfriend called me. After that I went back to sleep and woke up at 9 because I had gymnastics at 12. GYMNASTICS WAS GREAT!!! I GOT MY ROUNDOFF BACK TUCK!!! WHAT WHAT WHAT!!!! I'm so proud of myself. ahaha Then my boyfriend called me and said he talked to my mom already and he was coming to get me. So I got ready and my boyfriend was at my house by 6:30. I was a little irritated because my mom usually makes me be home by 10. Considering that we didn't leave till 7, I thought we were only going to have 3 hours with each other. But when we got in the car he told me my mom said to be back by 12! I was really shocked!!! So we start driving and I had no idea where we were going and he wouldn't tell me. The next thing I knew, we were in the mountains on the east side over looking all of San Jose. It was so beautiful!!!!! After that view, I won't ever look at my city the same again. It was just so quiet up there. So dark that the stars looked EXTRA bright. I felt like if I jumped up I would touch them. But at the same time when I looked down all the light from the city looked like stars too! I've never seen anything more gorgeous. I was mad when he told me that we should get back to reality. We drove back down that mountain and went to taco bell because he knows that's my favorite! And he knows my "usual." ahah. After that we went to watch Mall Cop. Whoooo funny movie Heheh. Basically it was a great night.

Sunday was great too. I had quince/16 practice! ahaha Man those kids are hilarious!!! I love em. I haven't laughed like that in a long time!!! I'm so excited for next weekend! It's only going to be better. I can already tell this weeks gonna go by slow because I know what's coming. I'm so high on life right now!! I love it!

*Forbidden

I knew him for 3 years. He was my best friend, my rock, the one who held me together when I needed it the most. No, he wasn’t the one I fell deeply in love with. Instead I fell in love with his cousin, who was his God brother. But according to my best friend they were brothers, not cousins. I had always heard about this “brother” of his but never really cared to meet him. However, in January of my Freshman year I met him in person for the first time.
Just like any other day after school, I was with my best friend Mikey. We were getting ready to go home when all of a sudden he tells me we need to wait because he had to tell his brother Chris something before we left. At this point I was a little bit confused because I had no idea at all that he even went to school with us. So we walked up to Chris and Mikey told him what ever it was that he needed to say. I don’t remember exactly what it was because all I remember thinking is, “Hm. This isn’t what I expected. He’s to...” I couldn’t even finish my thought. There was no word to describe him. There was something about his eyes. They were so dark. They made me curious to know what was behind them. I wouldn’t really call it “love at first sight.” More like lust or just plain curiosity. Bottom line, I was attracted.
Later that night I did my normal routine. Went home, did my homework, Myspaced a little bit, and called Mikey. Even though I did my normal drill, I couldn’t get those dark, mysterious eyes out of my mind. When Mikey picked up we had our normal pointless conversation. When we finally ran out of things to talk about and laugh at, I brought up his brother. I was still curious.
I finally decided to stop being scared and ask about his brother. I asked him what his name was and what grade he was in. I thought I sounded pretty calm. I guess I was wrong. In the way Mikey had answered me I could tell he wasn’t pleased with my appearent interest in his brother. But I couldn’t stop talking about him. It was like word vomit. The next thing I knew I was telling Mikey about how cute I thought Chris was! Mikey decided to turn this into a big joke and use it against me. He told me that for the rest of the school year Chris would be living with him! I was so scared when I thought that Mikey would tell him. But I guess I was scared for no reason.
The next night was the first night that Chris would be staying with Mikey. Mikey was on myspace and just happened to be talking to me. Chris asked who I was and Mikey responded with, “my best friend.” Chris had said I was cute! That I had a pretty face! When Mikey told me this I acted like I didn’t care. But I was ecstatic inside, and I knew Mikey could tell. The night after was a Friday so Mikey was at his girlfriends house leaving Chris there by himself. He requested to be my friend and I accepted. He commented one of my pictures so I commented one of his in return. About five minutes later I got a message from him. My heart started beating so hard and so fast. I couldn’t keep the smile off my face even if I wanted to. His message said, “Thanks for the love. What’s up?” He had mentioned that he was at Mikey’s house if I wanted to call him. I tried to play it slick and said that if he wanted to talk he could call me. So I gave him my number. This way he had my number even after he left Mikey’s. He replied with some smart comment and the next thing I knew, my phone was ringing. That was the beginning of the end.
That night we talked for 7 hours. It’s like we never ran out of things to talk about. He kept me laughing and smiling the whole time. My cheeks hurt so bad! After 7 hours he told me that he was going home for the weekend if he could call me when he got home. My automatic response with out even thinking twice was yes. So about forty-five minutes later he called me and we continued to talk. That night we didn’t get off the phone till around 4:30 in the morning. I was so tired, but it seemed like I couldn’t put the phone down. I mean, how could I when I was having such a good time?
The following Monday I said hi to him and we were acting like we had known each other forever instead of just getting to know each other the past weekend. Chris was still staying with Mikey so we talked pretty much every night on Mikey’s phone. He was okay with Chris being on his phone all the time. Well at least he was until he found out it was me he was talking to. Then Mikey started getting mad and saying he needed the phone all the time. But Chris had his ways and some how we always ended up on the phone still. Even though I loved the fact that me and Chris were getting closer, it bothered me that me and Mikey were drifting apart. And I knew that Mikey didn’t like it either. But somehow my growing relationship with Chris made everything seem better.
The closer I got to Chris, the less everything seemed to matter. All of our late night talks made me fall crazy in love with him. He had become my best friend in a matter of months. In this short time I had this unusual trust. The feelings that I had grown for him started to scare me because it was like nothing I’ve ever felt before. I was more comfortable with him then I had been with anybody else. Nobody made me feel the way he did. I was totally myself around him. When my close friends started catching on that we were talking as more then friends, they all asked the same questions. How is he? What is he like? Do you really like him? And when ever they asked, all I could say was, “He’s amazing.” Because that’s what he was. He was amazing. Definitely not perfect, but perfect for me.
In all of our late night talks, the one thing we never talked about was our age or our birthdays. One night we were talking and he was telling me about how excited he was that his birthday was coming up. How happy he was that he was about to be 17. About to be 17, one year away from a legal adult. That’s when reality hit. 17... And I was only 14. I wouldn’t be 15 for another 4 months. When I told him how old I was he was in shock. That’s when he told me that he really liked me a lot, but that we couldn’t be together. There was too much of an age difference. He explained to me that even though I’m on his level mentally, in a lot of other ways I wasn’t where he was yet. And as much as it broke my heart, I knew he was right. But I was in love and so was he. So even though we need we shouldn’t, we kept talking. Mikey hated it, I was hurting him and I knew it. But Chris ment so much to me. And Mikey loved both of us, so he sucked it up and supported us.
It seemed like the rest of the school year flew by. I had so much fun with Chris. We made so many memories, both over the phone and in person. Before I knew it, he was gone. Being a senior, he got out one week earlier then everyone else. I remember his last day we had planned to spend together because we thought we wouldn’t see each other for a pretty long time. It turns out that my mom had to pick me up because she had plans. At the time she didn’t know about him, or his age for that matter, so I couldn’t tell her that I had already had plans. So when it was time to leave, I got in my mom’s car and almost broke my neck watching him fade into the distance. My eye’s got watery but I couldn’t let my mom see and risk having her know. So I wiped my eyes and acted like nothing was wrong when really to me, everything was wrong.
He didn’t call me that night so I figured this would be our clean break. This would be it. What almost was would be the best thing I would get out of this and that terrified me. The thought of just losing one of my now closest friends made me want to roll over and die. But once again I was scared for nothing. He called me the next night. I told him how I felt about losing him and he reassured me that he wasn’t going anywhere and even though it would be hard to see each other, he would made it happen because he didn’t want to lose me either. That was enough to make my day, better then that, my whole year. So we continued to talk.
We didn’t see each other for three long weeks. It seemed like forever since I’d seen him. When one Saturday we decided to meet up and go see a movie. I decided to break down and tell my mom the truth about him, well almost all the truth. I told her I had been talking to this guy who I really liked. I told her I hadn’t seen him since school got out and I wanted her to take me to the movies to see him. She agreed and took me. She dropped me off at Capital Theaters. When I got there Chris came to the car to come and get me and say hi to my mom. She had met Chris before and already had her suspicions about him. But she never accused me of liking him, or knew his age. When she saw who I was talking about she looked at me and just told me to be careful. Then it was just me and him. When she drove away he gave me the biggest hug ever. One of those bear hugs where you get lifted off the floor. It felt so good to be in his arms again. All of a sudden I felt really warm, and more happy then I had been in a while.
Our movie was perfect. Our few hours made my whole week. Nothing else was going to top it. When I got home my mom had questions. I knew it was going to come sooner or later. She asked me how old he was and when I told her she looked like I had kicked her in the stomach. She was not happy. She wanted to talk to him. Chris wasn’t going to be disrespectful so he respectfully agreed. The first question my mom asked was, “How did this all start?” He responded with, “Well, I never knew how old she was till it was too late. What I mean by to late is I had already grown feelings for her. I already had fallen for her. I couldn’t throw that away.” My mom’s usually a good judge of character. She’s usually right on point when it comes to stuff like that. Later that night she told me, “Raech. I see the way he looks at you. I’ve been seeing it since you’ve been telling me that, ‘he’s just a friend.’ He really cares about you so I’m just telling you to be really careful. Be smart and don’t let things get carried away.” When my mom told me that, it really hit me. I have something really good.
With in the next few days, Chris had made it clear that we were official. I was so happy to be his. To know that I loved somebody who loved me back. It was the best feeling in the world. One of the next time we went to the movies was one of the best moments in my life and I won’t ever forget it. We were just sitting, watching our movie, when all of a sudden I feel him watching me. Just staring. I turned and looked at him and asked him what he was looking at. He just looked at me, straight in my eyes and told me he loved me. Then he leaned his head down and lightly kissed me. Now, this wasn’t our first kiss, but this kiss was special. I can’t put my finger on it, but for some reason it was. When he pulled away I just looked at him. It was like our eyes were locked on each other. That was the first time I ever looked into somebody’s eyes and actually felt something. Something amazing. At that moment I felt on top of the world. Nothing could bring me down. The feeling I got actually scared me. Like the silly little girl I am, I closed my eyes. Yes, pretty immature of me. But I closed my eyes. When I finally opened them I looked at him and told him I loved him too. I didn’t tell him because I felt like I had to, I didn’t tell him because I could. I told him because I ment it. I loved Chris. I loved him more then any of my other boyfrieds. That was the first time I ever looked into somebody’s eyes and told them what I felt. And the way I felt was indescribable.
Chris was my first love. The first guy I ever felt strong, real, and sometimes scary feelings for. He’s forever I memory I will always have. I’m so appreciative of him because he made me grow up. He was the one who was there for me when nobody else was. He was my best friend and my boyfriend. He was perfect for me. And he’s still here for me to this day and I’m so grateful I have him.

spur of the moment

So today my mom came in my room and woke me up at 11:15. On a Saturday morning that considerable early. The first thing she told me was, "Want to go to Sac and visit Auntie Lisa." I love how my mom always loves to take random trips. Sometime we wake up and just take drives around. We don't take time to plan our day or even where were going. We just get in the car and go. I love how spontaneous she is. About to weeks ago my mom woke me up and said, "We have nothing to do. Let's go for a ride along the coast." So that's what we did. We jumped in the car and went up to Halfmoon Bay. We hung up out around the ocean and stopped at deserted spots and just enjoyed the view. After that we just drove down highway 1. That's the highway that goes up and down the coast of California. I was so beautiful, so relaxing. We didn't even need to spend any money. Just spending time with my mom and enjoying the scenery. So today we just jumped in the car and drove to visit my aunt. No planning, no discussing, just going. I love living my life this way. You never know what's going to happen. I think everyone should live with a little bit of spontaneity in their life. It makes life more exciting.   

Jazzmizzleeeeeee

So basically this is about my best friend Jasmin Cristal Moreno. But I don't even know if you can read this or if I'm even going to get points for this. Well I'll do an extra blog this week just incase I don't get points for this one. Anyways. Jasmin is probably one of the only reasons I'm staying at Gunderson right now. She really is an amazing person to know. If you don't know her you should walk up to her in the hall and make friends. She'll be be more then happy to make a new friend! I think everyone needs a jasmin in their life!! After spending a few hours with her you cant help but love her. 

well im done now. 

have fun reading this. 

THE UGLY DULL ROCK. (so not pretty)

You can meet someone and in the first few days of your friendship you can think that this person is a really good person. Someone you can see yourself staying in touch with for a while. But as time goes on and you get to know this person, you find out that they are just terrible! And you realize it now because you've spent enough time around this person to realize that they weren't what you thought they were but exactly the opposite.

For instance, today me and my friend Ray were just sitting on a bench in the park. He got a phone call so for a minute I started to daze off. Then out of the corner of my eye I saw this little sparkly shiny thing. I turned to look at it. From my view it looked like a tiny diamond. It was so beautiful. It seemed to shine brighter then normal against the cold, brown cement table. As stupid as it sounds, it made me feel warm inside considering how freezing it was. Anyways. My reaction was to pick it up and set it down on my phone in front of me so I could get a better look at it and maybe keep it. =] But when I set it down, it was just a rock. A white rock. An ugly, dull, plain, NOT SPARKLY OR BEAUTIFUL, rock.  I was so disappointed! All of a sudden I was cold again. And that UGLY ROCK just sat in front of me. Staring at me. And I kind of felt like the dumb rock tricked me into thinking it was something it wasn't! But it made me really think about something. 

It reminded me that people should never jump to conclusions. Just like the rock, something can seem good but turn out bad. At the time you might think that that was the best choice for you, but when you take the time to look back on it, from a different point of view, you realize it wasn't. After my rock incident I made a mental note to always look at thing from allllll perspectives before making a decision. 

09's lookin so fineeeeeeeeeee.

My New Years was great!! It couldn't have been more perfect!!  I spent it with my best friend who I never see anymore!! I'm so excited for 2009 it's ridiculous. And for the first time in a long time, I actually WANT to go back to school. I WANT to see Gunderson's campus. Things are finally starting to look up. My family is almost back to normal, but for the mean time, my IMMEDIATE family couldn't be more close! And I love it. My friends are the best!! My Ray Ray, Jazzmizzle, Lil Corina, My Main Anthony. They all make my life so much easier. I LOVE MY LIFE RIGHT NOW.